First person account: a personal experience.

The article that follows is part of the Schizophrenia Bulletin's ongoing First Person Accounts series. We hope that mental health professionals—the Bulletin's primary audience—will take this opportunity to learn about the issues and difficulties confronted by consumers of mental health care. In addition, we hope that these accounts will give patients and families a better sense of not being alone in confronting the problems that can be anticipated by persons with serious emotional difficulties. We welcome other contributions from patients, ex-patients, or family members. Our major editorial requirement is that such contributions be clearly written and organized, and that a novel or unique aspect of schizophrenia be described, with special emphasis on points that will be important for professionals. Clinicians who see articulate patients , with experiences they believe should be shared, might encourage those patients to submit their articles to First Person Accounts, When I was (age 12), I asked my parents if I could see a psychiatrist and they agreed. I asked him if he thought I might have schizo-phrenia. He told me that he would not make that diagnosis; he said that schizophrenia caused a person to have hallucinations and delusions and that I appeared to him to be rational. At the time I had not experienced anything that I would call a hallucination. I had intense fears and I was often depressed. I hated going to school and made up many excuses to stay home. At 15 I began seeing another psychiatrist at the recommendation of a school counselor, who had noticed my strange and reclusive behavior. The problems I remember talking about with her were mostly feelings I had when I was at school. I felt different and alone. Seeing so many people in the school halls made me wonder how my life could be significant. I wanted to blend in in the classroom as though I were a desk. I never spoke. I didn't participate in any extracurricular activities or have any close friends. I loved to read. I especially enjoyed books that were not on the curriculum. I liked to read J.R.R. Tolkien's books about Middle Earth. I enjoyed writing papers for my English classes, but I was not thought of as an exceptional student. The high school graduation ceremony was a painful event for me. I stood alone and only one girl came to say goodbye to me. After graduation I enrolled …